The magic of living being who you really are, alongside a whole person
For many years I’ve been giving spiritual advice to the public. Be it as tarologist, holistic and shamanic therapist, or in the exercise of my priesthood in Wicca, the modern witchcraft, I’ve already found and shared stories with thousands and thousands of people.
I love to hear, ponder, calm down hotheads, help them to analyze alternatives, find the best choices and I have the vocation to understand the personal history of each one. So, I became a counselor years ago for many people seeking first of all a listener, someone who can testify the life for each one of them. It is amazing how people forget what they wanted to, what they desired, which were their true aspirations. People think they deserve little and, out of fear and insecurity, are content with even less. Most people live life collecting crumbs of joy and begging for fleeting and instantaneous happiness. And it just makes them absurdly unhappy, increasingly dissatisfied, increasingly sad and disappointed.
Be it people that I follow for years, be it people who consult me only once, I contribute with compassion, respecting each pain, each difficulty narrated, each healing quest.
But no subject is more spoken of, repeated, parsed, wanted, longed-for than romantic relations.
In this period of Mabon, the Celtic God of Love, it is interesting that we look into this Second Harvest under this Prism: what have I been harvesting of love in my life? What have I to thank for in this area of my life and how I got to this situation? What did I plant to have now in my loving fields these results?
I think that of every 10 people who consult oracles, 15 deal with love.
And why this is, undeniably, the biggest concern of the people?
We are raised in the culture of “.. .and they lived happily ever after”, the same culture that considers “correct” only monogamous, heterosexual relationships with a loyalty pact “until death do them part” and which give birth to children.
But the model that the fairy tales present us is not, not even from far, what life shows us. To live romantic relationships is a complex, complicated, confusing and often frightening thing.
Love is the energy of creation, but also, as it should be, is the energy of destruction. It raises the passions and moves people and all beings, but can be the most destructive force that exists, just because nothing compares to it in magnitude and strength.
People are hungry for love.
They believe that if they have Love in their lives, nothing else will lack. Think up the tryst as something sublime and perfect, that magically will appear and change everything that is bad and difficult day by day. Plim!
Pity that this is so far from the reality.
This illusory vision of love is the greatest responsible for people being unhappy. When we wait for something or someone a thing that is not in their nature, we are doomed to disappointment.
Let’s exemplify: Whoever expects from a wolf that it would never want to eat a sheep will certainly be disappointed. it is the nature of wolves consider the sheep succulent and tasty…
Imagine someone who dedicates their lives to make a Wolf not to want to eat sheep, being a vegetarian … For a certain time, the conditioning can even be the winner, but in competition with the intrinsic nature of the Wolf, with what it really is, it will end up losing and the Wolf will feast, even if it will have “conscience weight” just after …
This story just serves to illustrate that you can’t create romantic relationships around standards and requirements that a specific human being, real and concrete, valued at their idiosyncrasies, is unable to fulfill.
The Patriarchate, as a system domination and oppression both of men and women, created some illusions about the romantic relationship. Those standards, considered in Western society the normoafetivity standard (a couple consisting of a man and a woman, which are expected to generate children, which, in turn, breed the values and way of life of their parents) has its origins linked to emergence and hegemony of property, with its rules on inheritance of the land. The Patriarchy, together with the patrifocal, rectilinear and transcendent religions that guaranteed it, created an illusion. The cruel illusion of wanting “the right person”, “the one”. Your “soul mate”, a lost half of you, without whom no one is complete and without whom no one will be really happy. This illusion that just a human being is responsible for the full happiness of someone else raises a number of bans and prohibitions, kills the spontaneity of sexual desire, serves the monopoly of pleasure, most of the times expressed in strict control on the female body, its appearance, the attitudes of women, what they are allowed to or prohibited.
We, that have broke with the Patriarchy and live like pagans, need to realize that even our relationships and loving expectations need to be reviewed in the light of a deliverance from some concepts which enslave the desire and aspirations of the majority. And even for someone who is not Pagan, but is still inside the dominant religions, this release from enslaving concepts will only be beneficial.
ADVICES FOR MABON
My First Advice to people seeking to improve their experience of the energy of love is as follows: “Deliver yourself from unrealistic expectations”. Loving someone is not the universal panacea that solves everything. On the contrary: most likely a real romantic relationship will add to your life challenges and problems, but also bring emotional nutrition and pleasures.
Second Advice: “Be balanced”. This should be well understood: not to wait too long putting in the imaginary loved one the source of your happiness and the solution of all your problems, neither to adopt a posture of wanting to little and be content with anyone, even evidently inappropriate, just to not be alone.
The Third Advice is “Have patience”. None of this solves overnight. Learn to control your anxiety and adopt anxiety control methods, such as meditation or meditative exercises to learn how to be yourself.
Fourth Advice: “don’t confuse love with hope of love.” The vast majority of people are so desperate for the tryst that just as someone outlines the faintest interest for them they already begin to draw plans of marriage and children… It just shows immaturity, emotional imbalance and only alienates people from you. Nothing scares more a nice person than someone desperate and hungry for any imitation of love.
Fifth Advice: “do not pursue your other half, find a whole person and be whole for that person.” This idea of halves is pure illusion. Search for healthy people and prepare, in all possible ways, to be able to offer someone your own wholeness. This has to do with self-knowledge and always seeking balance.
Sixth Advice: “do not pursue people who you seek to change or shape to your conveniences.” As the Wolf of our initial story, nobody can change their nature. So, for example, if strict fidelity is a major and indispensable value for you, look for a person for whom this value is also important. If you meet someone and you know in advance that this person needs to live several amorous adventures to be happy, what good is to pretend that this will never happen again? It can ever be that the person likes you enough to try to be different, but until when theywill hold and how much it will make them happy? The romantic relationship mismatchs occur when people try to be what they cannot be, often to follow the rules of the Patriarchate of type “women need to be demure,” “men need to be available for sex whenever called for”, “everyone is only to be happy in monogamous relationships which requires loyalty to be paid in blood if any transgression happens”, “every woman has to be a mother and every man is only fulfilled by being a father”, “no one can love more than one person” or “no one can love a person of the same gender” and several other rules that should never be considered “natural”, even taken as the “normal life”. It is the programming that we suffer from the cradle, when we created our girls taking care of baby dolls and our boys playing the providers in the house game that determines those pain and anguish of ours when we do not meet the normoafetive programming in our lives.
Seventh Advice: “be open to people and do not believe in scarcity.” Many people, especially those who have passed the mark of 30 or 40 years, start thinking that “there is no one in the world for them”, “all good mates are already with someone”, “I’ll be alone for the rest of my life”, “There’s something wrong with me”. All this can be thus summed up: it is a belief in scarcity and, as such, will bring scarcity to your life. Open yourself to the fact that the Goddess and the God of Love are full abundance. There are many nice people in the world, let them reach you by believieng it is possible. Your thinking and your feeling shape your world, especially if you’re a witch.
Eighth Advice: “be realistic”. Do not project your dreams onto people, see each one as who they are. A real and concrete relationship depends on you abandoning illusions and focusing on what is concrete and possible here and now. Stop suffering with the Prince Charming or the Princess Wonderful standards…
Ninth and Main Advice: “Only enter sustainable relationships”. The concept of sustainability here is used in the exact same sense it is used in Ecology. The Earth has a certain capacity for food production and supplying raw material for human use. When this capacity is mistreated Earth and humanity suffer and imbalances multiply. When people realize the limits of the Earth respect them, She is abundant and generous and nothing is lacking for anyone. Sustainability has to do with long-term relationships, mutual respect, understanding of what is possible or not, acceptance of differences and continuous adaptation to the cyclical changes affecting everything. Nothing is seen as finished and ready, there is no immutable rules and flexibility and agreements take the place of taxing rules indiscriminately applied at the empire of individual conveniences.
As in our relationship with Mother Earth, our romantic relationships will only be really happy and lasting if and when we learn to maintain sustainable romantic relationships. That happens since the choice of people who have values and aspirations near or compatible with yours, goes through the perception that, even forming a couple, both people are still individuals and need their own space to breathe, feel and act independently, it speaks of the vocation to share with one another, being open to the reception of the differences as a wealth to be respected and not as troubles to be eliminated or changed.
The ecology of romantic relationships also has to do with respect to the limits of the other, with not wanting for more than the person has to give. It has to do with maturity and shared growth, with planting to harvest along with, with understanding love not as a parlor magician snapshot trick, but rather as the result of the magic of life.
Bottom line: like a responsible and concerned farm who abides by the land that sustains him, learn how to choose the best and most appropriate partnerships, respects its limits, choose together the best seeds and learn, every day, to take care of the harvest of your love. Happy Mabon 2013!